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I am one person who can smile at you whilst I am dying inside but you will never know because I choose happiness over self-pity. If I was to sit down with you and tell you the shit that hit the fun this year you wouldn’t believe it, it took me months and months before I decided to tell my family and close friends because well what’s the point if I cannot share with my nearest and dearest. My loyal readers know I posted a couple of crypt posts around February and March, though crypt to some open book to others.
I experienced two life changing events no more than a month apart; I had not had the chance to recover from the first event before the second one hit me. I couldn’t seem to catch a breath and I felt like there was no point in living anymore, I can honestly say that was my lowest point in my 27years on this planet. I had never contemplated accelerating the time till I will meet the heavenly father but at that point I felt like it was better to be with him above than down here on earth. But something stopped me in my thoughts, would he above receive me gracefully if my meeting him was via my own accord and not because it was my time? I decided it’s best to live and enjoy the life I have been afforded and be grateful for my loving parents and siblings.
I have always told my friends that I am too selfish when it comes to my life that I would never no matter what want to accelerate (end) my life whilst here on this planet. I have always said I want to enjoy it to the fullest and not have so much self-pity to contemplate the extremes and there I was all by myself with no family or friends nearby to run to; just me and my thoughts. I have also always claimed I am a self-motivated person and one who has said ‘happiness is a choice – one which I choose 100%’ so then why after these claims did I find myself in this situation? My answer I AM ONLY HUMAN.
I have been battling so many things for so long alone and it’s scary. I recently told my little sister that I am done living life for other people, I am done being the one that has to be considerate and be the one that feels other people’s pain. No one asked me to be like this this is how I was born this is how I was brought up this is how I am. I do not want to lose my human empathy but at present I just want to be me with no care in the world. Is this too much to ask? Is it wrong for me to be selfish and not care about what’s happening around me? I am hurting so much and all I want is to run away but that’s not how I was raised but then again I do not want to face my problems I just want to be happy all by myself and if the lord sees it fit for me to share this with another human being so be it.